Yes, of course I’m riffing on Anne Koedt’s famous 1970 work, The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm, an icon of modern feminism. Now comes more bad press for the vagina from Elisabeth Lloyd, author of The Case of the Female Orgasm. It impresses Michael Castleman, sex educator and author in his own right, who assures the readers of this site that “intercourse is not the essence of lovemaking.” The photo with his piece shows a kind, friendly face. He looks to be, and reads as, the sort of post-feminist guy who insists that his bedmate finish first. In one hand he has Lloyd’s book; his other hand is at his partner’s clitoris. How sweet, how contemporary…how wrongheaded.
Freud was spot-on in dubbing the clitoris infantile. Like a little boy’s penis, it’s suitably placed for self-exploration and masturbation. A pubescent girl needs nothing more than her fingers to produce a brilliant array of sensations. Because she’s alone in her single bed, her mind roams freely, trying on various fantasies, eventually developing a virtual library of them. And there’s the rub.
Throughout a woman’s life, clitoral stimulation harkens back to her childhood solo flights and goes hand in hand with fantasying. If she’s by herself, the circle is complete. But if she’s in bed with someone else, let’s say a man—a man whose fingers or mouth or nose or toes are nudging her towards ecstasy, he’s reduced to the role of a human Eroscillator. Doing his gallant best to mask his tedium and muscle cramp, he diddles his “partner” while she reruns her favorite X-rated films in the screening room of her mind. This is not the essence of lovemaking, no matter how lovingly intended.
Clitoral orgasms are delicious: hot sugar fireworks. They do wonders for curing migraine. But they are solipsistic—the very opposite of lovemaking.
Here’s a telling quote from Michael’s apologia: “’Intercourse is okay,’ says New York City sex educator Betty Dodson, Ph.D. ’But I much prefer a talented tongue on my clitoris.’” Dr. Betty is an original and a star, an example for us all at age eighty; but she remains above all else the author of Sex for One, deservedly in print since 1974, a celebration of masturbation.
Sex is never just about anatomy. There’s always a cultural component. Mid-20th Century feminists rose up against the definition of “frigidity” as the inability to have a vaginal orgasm. As feminism, bi-sexuality, and lesbianism became cozy bed partners, the clitoral orgasm became the politically correct one—no penis required. The cruel irony is that the emphasis on the clitoris may have killed vaginal orgasm for a generation of heterosexual women.
Clitoral stimulation does nothing for the vagina; in fact, it may deflect arousal from the vagina. It’s stimulation of a woman’s breasts that sets a vagina thrumming. Anyone who has nursed a baby knows that sucking at her nipples echoes down below, deep inside, setting off waves of pleasure. Don’t take my word for it: readTantric Orgasm for Women by Diana Richardson.
Speaking of babies—pregnant or not, a woman enhances her ability to have vaginal orgasms by doing the exercises invented by Dr. Arnold Kegel to abet vaginal delivery. Voluntarily flexing one’s puboococcygeous muscle, on the pelvic floor, is a pleasure in itself…and promotes pleasure all around during intercourse. Thus toned, a woman may delight her lover by gripping and releasing his penis while it’s inside her. And the conscious pulsing will give way to involuntary contractions. A vaginal orgasm, in other words.
But—enough about the body political and physical. What is lovemaking, anyway? It’s not just a drive toward orgasm. It’s union. During intercourse, the eyes can engage, lips kiss, words murmur back and forth. There’s the amazing business of someone being inside someone else. For a heterosexual couple—brand-new strangers or lovers forever—there’s nothing else quite like it.
Michael Castleman properly notes that after age forty, erectile capacity and vaginal lubrication diminish. But a man need not be fully erect to enter a woman. Any joining may be ecstatic; it’s not just about thrusting and ejaculating. As to lubrication, I think Michael sells short the new generation of Silicone-based slick-ums, (and he makes no mention of the power of kegels to get the juices flowing even after the estrogen years).
My clitoris, my orgasm. My vagina, our secret meeting place, our garden of echoing bliss.
This is a brave article and one that is quite educational for the experienced man. All men find woman a bit mysterious, never knowing exactly what pleases them, even if they tell. Your article explains that sexual pleasure is a complex process. Attributing satisfaction to the clitoris, the vagina, the breasts or any other singular site is organ bias. The sexual act is a bilateral affair and auto-eroticism is a substitute not a replacement. Thank you for this enlightening and surprisingly encouraging expose’.
And thank you for kind words and the wonderful phrase “organ bias,” which perfectly describes everyone’s thinking–mine included, bien sur–on this complicated subject. I love physicist Stephen Wolfram’s insistence that there is cultural bias even in mathematics, which seems so absolute and neutral. No matter how rigorous the studies on sexual response, the interpretations are invariably colored by one’s own experience, one’s gut sense of what’s right and true.
How flattering that Nancy Weber was moved/irked enough by my blog post to write hers. I have nothing against vaginal intercourse. Like Ms. Weber, I, too love physical and spiritual union. What I critique is not vaginal intercourse, per se, but rather the tyranny of intercourse, the view that holds that intercourse is the be-all and end-all of lovemaking. This hurts women who think there’s something wrong if they can’t have orgasms that way–and as I mentioned in my blog, only 25% of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. And it hurts men, who believe mistakenly that they need a huge penis to stretch the vagina to give women pleasure. Have all the intercourse you want. Just don’t see it as all there is to making love.
Flattered back at you. I know we agree at heart: down with tyranny, up with possibility. I still have trouble with that statistic, 25%, as if it were fixed and final…but then I haven’t read the book from which you got it (& haven’t had anything approaching Joel Block’s clinical experience, which moved him to endorse your first post on the topic). Maybe we should swap source material? Meanwhile, look at us all, so lucky, talking orgasm instead of arthritis. Our grandparents would be amazed.
In response to Nancy Weber’s piece, I want to make two points, the first briefly. During the 22 years that I was on the staff of the oldest hospital-based Sexuality Center in the country it would surprise many how little of the time was devoted to talking about the mechanics of the sexual experience.
Much of the discussion among the staff, as well as in the confines of the consulting room, centered on the dynamics of intimacy. Sex is so much more than a physical coupling. In fact, the emotions and dynamics surrounding “the act” are far more interesting. That’s the difficulty with pornography, the purely physical focus may be arousing initially but it is ultimately boring.
I think Nancy and I are in agreement on that first point. We part company on my second point. Here is where I am basically in support of Michael Castleman, only because his main point, the origin of orgasm, is fully supported. For women who are not only interested in the intimacy of the sexual experience but want the connective experience of orgasm as well, it makes a difference.
Here, some historical perspective. In the mid-70’s I did a two year postdoctoral fellowship with Dr. Albert Ellis, a psychologist and pioneer in sex therapy. Dr. Ellis, who died a couple of years ago, shortly before his 93rd birthday, was considered the most influential living psychologist of the 20th century. He treated much more than sexual issues, but was extraordinarily knowledgeable about sexual issues. He was writing about sexuality during the McCarthy era and paid dearly for his boldness.
Dr. Ellis, with whom I was privileged to have a relationship with until his death, despite our differences regarding his cognitive-behavioral approach to therapy, told me about a conversation and consultation he had with Dr. Robert Latou Dickinson, an outstanding gynecologist, sexologist and anatomist of the early and mid-20th century.
As I recall this exchange with Dr. Ellis, Dr. Dickinson told him the story of the women he examined who consulted with him for sexual problems. These were the woman who felt they were inadequate since they were not having, as Freud termed it, ‘the mature vaginal orgasm’. Dr. Dickinson had them on the examining table and touched their clitoral region with a blunt probe. “What do you feel?” he would ask them.
Typically they replied with a sentiment like, “Oh, a great deal of sexual sensation.” Then he would touch his patient with the same probe deep within her vagina. “What do you feel now?” he would ask. “Very little: in fact, almost nothing,” was the typical response. Then he would touch her again in the clitoral area and once again, ask, “What do you feel?” Again, although she could not tell except through her sense of touch what he had done, the typical reply echoed the earlier clitoral stimulation, “A great deal of sexual sensation.” “Where do you feel it?” Dr. Dickinson would ask. “Oh,” the typical spontaneous reply would be, “Deep within my vagina!”
Dr. Ellis relates that Dr. Dickinson always smiled when he told that story—to emphasize the point that many women think or believe that they get intense vaginal stimulation when, really, they only have been stimulated clitorally. Dr. Ellis went on to explain that not only do most women who experience orgasm typically assume that the source of this feeling and the orgasm is vaginal, they are, consequently, often not in the position to coach their partner to provide the proper stimulation. Both Kinsey and Masters and Johnson learned a great deal from Dr. Dickinson and ultimately confirmed his hypotheses with their researches.
Having said all that, there is still mystery to the sexual experience and I am privileged to hear about it in my work as a couples and sex therapist. There is the woman who has a “quiet” orgasm on the D Line subway back home from work each evening. (Interestingly, she never has an orgasm on the way to work, taking the same bumpy train—so it is more than the vibration of the bumpy ride.)
Then there is the woman who is orgasmic without touching herself, simply by the power of her imagination. She has been orgasmic at the table of a dinner party as well as while giving a corporate presentation to an audience of 200 hundred men and women. There are many more interesting exceptions to the scientific research. I once asked a fellow cyclist, a woman who rode with her bike seat tipped upwards, if that was comfortable. She smiled slyly and said, “It’s not comfort I’m experiencing.
I confess, I do find myself noticing the angle of women’s bicycle seats since that exchange. I also enjoy the mix of science, mystery and keeping an open mind to wonderful and wondrous exceptions to everything.
Joel- powerful and moving words. It’s really good to learn more about some of the sources of your generous approach. Albert Ellis: wow.
I hate to bring us back to mechanics, which we all know is only a part of the story…but really I’m bringing us back to politics, which I quite enjoy doing. Here’s what I don’t understand. In the C vs V debate, why do so many people–women and men both–think it empowers a woman to be clit-o-centric? What could be more empowering than to do one’s kegels faithfully (perhaps more important for physical and mental health than spinning and doing Pilates) and thus learn how to wiggle herself into spasms of pleasure? I bet that your lucky subway rider, along with women who have orgasms at dinner parties or in REM sleep, are experiencing the ripple effect I alluded to in my original piece. Look, Ma, no hands.
Do sex therapists encourage women to do Dr. Kegel’s simple exercises? Or just tell her she’s in a 75% majority of woman who can’t come vaginally? It seems that only the practitioners of tantric yoga focus on this internal source of pleasure for self and other. Really, it’s not about the mechanics…it’s about getting into shape so orgasm can happen through you.
I just have to weigh in here to say …..what about a dual orgasm, one that is felt both vaginally and clitorally simultaneously? No one even mentioned that in the above article or comments. Of course I agree with Nancy W. that Kegels should be recommended to every woman from teen age on to the very end. Just like any other part of the body, insides need exercise too.
And yes….Our grandparents would be proud (or scandalized) by this discussion taking place in an open forum and by people who are well into the second half of life. It did sound a little bit like Michael C. was chiding about there being more to lovemaking than vaginal intercourse. Of course there is, but for women penetration is part of the fun. And as men age they may have more trouble with that. So guys, get inventive, become imaginative….there is a lot you can do with other of your body parts like fingers and tongue. Dildos came into being because people figured out that they work and there was a need for them.
Women have so many wonderful pleasure zones, it is a good lover who hits them all. And a great lover does so without apparent effort.
Ah, the Kegels. The name comes from Dr. Kegel, the obstetrician who first “prescribed” “vulva pushups” (My term, not his) for his postpartum patients. He pointed out that after childbirth the pelvic floor muscles sag and need toning.
What does this have to do with orgasm? Orgasm (in men and women) involves a spasm of the pelvic floor muscles. When those muscles (called PC muscles) are toned, the orgasmic spasm is experienced more intensely.
Considering that too many men and women are overweight, practically simulating the pregnancy experience—too much weight on the pelvic floor—I routinely suggest vulva pushups for the people I am treating for sexual performance issues.
I have also written about the PC exercises in several books, including Sex Over 50, posted on LibidoForLife. For men who have poor ejaculatory control—they finish before the party really gets underway—I have also developed a program that uses Kegels (and other tactics) to help them attain better control.
So, in my view, having toned PC muscles is a good thing, but far from “the thing.” It may bring more intensity to the orgasmic experience but won’t create it. As for bringing more intensity, there are other health considerations that may help as well. In part, sexual arousal is a cardio vascular event. Sounds very clinical and I suppose it is but give me a moment and I will suggest some non-clinical thoughts.
For now, since vaso-congestion (the genitals filling with blood) is an important factor, especially for men, eating mostly plant food and not too much is the way to go. Your blood vessels will thank you and so will your genitals, especially as you age.
But that’s the less interesting side of things. The power organ of orgasm is the brain. It has been my impression that most couples are bored to death with each other. They were open initially and then, when the relationship became more important and central to their lives, they became cautious in the service of avoiding judgment. An interesting irony, many people are more open with people they are less emotionally dependent on than they are with the partner they sleep with regularly!
So, having to choose between sagging PC muscles or a partner with the courage to be figuratively naked is a no-brainer. I’ll take the “we can be figuratively naked with each other” relationship anytime. That’s how the juiciest sex and most intense experience is likely to occur.
By now, despite the fact that I have written several books filled with the usual sexual acrobatics, I am much more given to what happens out of bed with a partner to juice things up in bed, than being an expert on technique. Technique books sell well and are easy to write, but the real deal has little to do with tantric anything.
Oh, Bonnie, thanks for your comment. As for the penis not being the end-all, check out my interview with an aging penis. It may well bring a smile.
And, Nancy, you started all this, BRAVO!
Thanks, Joel, but Michael is the one who started it, so it’s his Oscar, too. And I’d also like to thank….(but, seriously) Randall, who dreamed up LfL for just such conversations; and Gretchen and Beth–also founders of the feast; and Bonnie for her warm intelligence; and my guy at home for cheering me on as a writer, no matter how outrageous the subject.
I agree with everything above, which means all points of view, and I feel lucky to be reading contributions from knowledgeable professionals. All of my sexual life I’ve been in the 25% category (mentioned earlier), but it hasn’t kept me from having powerful orgasms with or without a loving partner. I also agree that seemingly “non-sexual” exchanges are as soul-feeding as the “traditional” sex act itself. From my lay person’s point of view, all of this is sexual and most of the time all of it has to do with love on some level. The bottom line is this: I hope to continue being a sexual woman ’til the day I die, which might mean that I died having a clitoral orgasm. I’ll be 80 in two weeks.
Dear, dear Betty! What a spirit-raising note. I especially appreciate–and share–your feeling that it’s all sex and it’s all love: no contradiction. Happy birthday, and ever so many more. xxoo, Nancy
Thanks,Nancy. I came across a link to this site while cruising the pages of The Senior Voice. Barbara Glass (the reading lady) will be reviewing my second book for the November issue. Watch for it. The title is “The Home for the Friendless.”
I’m a retired art teacher who turned into a writer after my husband of 49 years died 12 years ago. It caused me to write endlessly about how alien the world seemed as I faced it alone. I scribbled on scraps and journaled on junk and the notes started taking on a life of their own. After six years of writing, they had morphed into my first book titled “Dancing in My Nightgown: The Rhythms of Widowhood.” It received a 2005 IPPY award in the memoir category.
You might wonder where the topic of sexuality fits into this picture. After two years of widowhood I knew I was finally moving on when I got a crush on the carpet man, the salesman at the local floor store. I began thinking lustful thoughts about him and stalked him for a year upgrading my home. But the only thing that got laid in my house was a rug. However, this delightful fellow opened my heart, and it made me want to live and love again. I set out on a mission.
As an older, widowed woman (I do not look 80)I’ve learned more about sex than I ever knew in my life. Not until I read Dr. Joyce Brother’s book titled “Widowed,” did I know that it was normal to masturbate; in fact, it is suggested for anyone with or without a partner. I had kept my dirty little secret since I was a teenager. After learning that I was normal, I started buying quality books about sexuality, I signed up for Dr Marty Klein’s online newsletter, “Sexual Intelligence,” I watched Berman and Berman on daytime TV, I watched Sue Johanson’s late night show, I even joined the professional organization called Quad S (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality) and had trouble being accepted because the business of sexuality was not my profession, but instead, my keen interest.
There was no niche for me. What was an art teacher doing at their workshops and conferences? But they let me join and I attended wonderful presentations on all viewpoints of human sexuality. My “research” and curiosity opened my eyes and broadened my attitude about how important sex is to our mental and physical well-being. Now, I look at humans differently. I even look at long term marriages differently. I can sense when older couples still have the hots for each other. “The Hots” can mean a lot of different things.
But, in my social circle, sex is never the subject of conversation. Most women my age find it disgusting to talk about such things. I don’t know about the men, but I think many of their wives closed up shop a long time ago. In fact many younger women are the same. When I was chatting about this subject with a 40-year-old friend, she plugged her ears and said, “Oh YUK. I don’t even want to think about my grandparents having sex.”
If she only knew.
It would be a challenge to add to Betty’s life lifting, inspirational comment. I’m not even going to try.
You go girl!
Thanks, Joel. That’s my plan.
Betty
Would someone behind the curtain please correct my spelling in the previous comment?
Betty, what a wonderful story! I wish I had read it in time to ask you to let me include it in my new book, Naked at Our Age, but alas, my deadline was yesterday. Thank you for sharing your zesty viewpoint here.
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and the upcoming Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.
Join us — we’re talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.NakedAtOurAge.com
Joan, my deadline for “The Home for the Friendless” was also yesterday at midnight. Naturally, we had several last minute changes that almost short-circuited my brain. Does this mean that our books might be out at the same time? Mine will be in November.
I would have LOVED being in your book. I’ll check out the link you provided so I can get in on conversations. Now, I’m looking forward to your Straight Talk After Sixty book. My blog is being built, so for now, join me on Facebook at my “new” page called Betty Auchard, Author. Thanks for your comments.
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I am not a sex therapist or a medical professional of any sort (yet), but I happened across this page and I am delighted by both the article and all of your comments. I am in my late 20’s, unmarried, and a single mother so naturally I have learned to orgasm on my own during this time of singleness. Hearing your thoughts on all of the issues and how sexuality continues for a lifetime (even into your 80s Betty, that’s awesome!!) have given me hope for a long sexual life. I am open with friends about my sexuality and how much I love sexual pleasure, but sadly many are disgusted by anyone who can talk openly about what they want in a sexual partner and what they like to give them. Thank you all for being so open and honest.
It is so refreshing to hear such open conversation about sex and ones sexual pleasure. I am new to this site, thanks to Joel pointing me in the right direction, and feel like a sponge soaking up as much as I can hold. On my new member’s website, I sell an ever changing couples’ sex game but my goal is to show couples how to use it as a tool, one more option for them to have available, to help educate themselves about their own sex. In this way, their relationships improve as do their sex lives. I realize I have a lot to learn if I’m going to accomplish this. So thank you to all of you for helping me on my way.