A Sweet Sexual Adventure
Here’s a sweet sexual adventure. Act as if you are your partner and discuss your partner’s sexual desires from his or her perspective. As if you are your partner, speak in detail about your partner’s sexual preferences, what he or she finds to be the best turn-ons. Then switch and have your partner do the same for you. How well did you do? How much of an expert are you on your partner’s sexual desires? Were you able to reach into your partner’s sexual goody bag and accurately discuss the contents?
Too many couples, including those together for years, fail at this. In short, they are not experts on their partner’s sexual turn-ons. This can be for many reasons, including shyness on one or both partner’s part in speaking openly about what you enjoy in the sack. If you’d like to fix that and become more expert at pleasing your partner and yourself, try this…
The Sexual Grab Bag
The following experience will allow you and your partner to talk to each other about your sexual interactions and needs through a little game that you are going to devise. The game involves taking several sheets of paper, perhaps as many as eight or ten so that you have a substantial pile of blank notes to write on.
The notes will include as broad an array of sexual preferences that you and your partner can brainstorm separately. Some examples may include preferences like, “I love when you go down on me”; “rough sex really turns me on” ; “my favorite is when we’re making love with rear entry” ; “talking dirty when making love is hot” and so on. Include only positive preferences and include whatever you can think of even if the preference is not one you favor.
Notice that the preferences are gender neutral. The pronoun “I” or “Me” is stated but whether it is one partner or the other stating the preference is purposely left open. Now come together and put all the preferences together in a bowl.
Step One
Get naked and comfy. Begin by having both partners undress and sit opposite each other, either on the bed or against a bunch of pillows. You want to be comfortable since it will allow you to share more openly. Sit opposite each other.
Step Two
You and your partner will take turns picking a note from the bowl. The partner who first reaches into the bowl chooses a note randomly. He or she is to read the note aloud and comment as to how well this preference is in sync with his or hers. The partner speaking is encouraged to elaborate and the listening partner is welcome to ask for clarification if needed. There is no time limit on any discussion that ensues.
Step Three
Provide a sex summary. After going through the variety of notes, each partner is to summarize his or her understanding of the speaker’s preferences. There should not be judgment within the context of this but merely a repetition of what each listening partner thinks he or she heard her partner’s preferences to be. This is an important step such that there is not miscommunication in what is actually being favored.
Step Four
Get touchy-feely with each other. After the discussion, both partners are to caress, stroke, and thank each for the dialogue in any manner they wish, including of course, experimenting with each other’s sexual preferences, as long as both partners are receptive.
We Don’t Compromise
What happens when he said/she said gets tangled with he wants/she wants and he needs/she needs? Well, unless there is some element of “WE” in there, chances are compromise is not the outcome. Unfortunately, a couple will probably not survive if they don’t learn the art of give-and-take in their relationship.
By definition, a relationship is a negotiation. Just by agreeing to be together as a couple, you are hammering out a sort of contract that includes fidelity and commitment along with other parameters. But any two people entering into such an accord would be foolish to think that there will never be a point when one partner has to acquiesce to the desires of the other to make the relationship work, and vice versa. In order to sustain any semblance of accord, there will be occasions where compromise has to come into play.
The Sexual Meditation Experience
There are several ways to approach compromise; most are common, of the meet-each- other-half-way variety. However, there is one way to approach compromise that is anything but common: The sexual meditation experience. Couples who have had the experience have suggested that when lovers lie together for 20 to 30 minutes in the bonding position, their streams of bioelectrical energy merge, creating a unified energy field.
Many men and perhaps even some women may read the instructions for sexual meditation and feel it compares unfavorably to the more usual excitement of active genital stimulation and rushed release. But bear in mind, this experience not only leaves participants positively energized and unified. It is an especially valuable experience for men in that it will allow them to contain more and more orgasmic energy without immediate release. For women it provides a relaxed, unhurried experience for orgasmic build up.
Negative emotions, such as those created by a stubborn impasse and lack of compromise block the flow of merging energy. The sexual bonding experience allows the energy to flow and, consequently, sets up an atmosphere where creative compromise is more likely. With that in mind, use this sexual solution to free up your collective energies such that negativity will wane and positive resolution may begin.
Step One
Think slow and steady. Begin lying side-by-side, skin-to-skin, face-to-face, with generous and slow kissing and caressing between lovers. Kissing and caressing slowly allows time for arousal and sexual energy to build without pressure. However, as is usually the case, the energy begins in the genitals creating a localized tension. Typically when this occurs breathing is rapid and shallow. To counter this and to allow the positive energy to diffuse and flow from the genitals to your entire body, breathe deeply and slowly, relax into the experience.
Step Two
Relax and merge. When the energy has spread into your entire body unite sexually in a comfortable position that allows relaxation to continue. An arrangement that many couples have found ideal is the scissors position. In this coupling the woman is on her back, the man is on his right side with his left leg crossed over his partner’s pelvic area and her left leg up around his left hip. This position allows the male partner to penetrate in a very gentle, non-dominant manner; it is as if the male and female partner are penetrating each other, merging not only physically, but emotionally as well.
Step Three
Move with the breath. After insertion continue to breathe deeply and slowly and move in rhythm with your breathing, slowly and deeply. With each inhale visualize taking in your partner’s energy and as you exhale visualize the negative energy of resentment and stubbornness leaving your body. Allow the positive energy of reconciliation to flow in with the brightness and hopefulness of a new sun rising up in the morning.
Surrender to the flow of positive energy and the disposal of negative energy as you continue to breathe deeply and slowly and move in rhythm to the pace of your breathing. As you relax into the peaceful sensations you are likely to feel your differences dissolving and your heart merging with that of your partner. Be sure to attend to the subtle sensations that slow motion lovemaking generates in contrast to the dynamic and more physical penetration and pumping of ordinary lovemaking.
Step Four
Focus on feeling as one. Continue the slow motion lovemaking, but feel free to intersperse it with stronger movements and more friction between genitals as is needed and signaled by either partner. Rather than focusing on orgasm as the goal, pay attention instead to how you’re feeling together. As tension builds up once again slow the pace, control your breathing, gradual and deep, exhaling slowly. Feel the aroused energy flowing from your genitals to your entire body. Visualize yourself relaxing your defenses –melting, merging, becoming one with your partner.
Step Five
Find Yourselves Merged. After 20 or 30 minutes or so, your bodies will feel as one, as will your psyches. Let the positive energy dance all over you and your partner. Stay united for as long as you desire before either coming to sexual and psychic resolution, or perhaps even falling asleep merged. For days, and maybe even weeks following this experience you and your partner will feel as if you are team members each playing for the same prize, a prize of love that is only achieved by those whose hearts are one.
Nixing “Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am”
Many men are much more accustomed to rigorous sex than meditative, slow, connected sex. Interestingly, while women usually go along with the former, a male partner might find his significant other more responsive sexually if he also explored the feeling of truly merging with his partner on occasion rather than just um…banging her.
In fact, after practicing sexual meditation one man, Jerry, said “Not only did the experience get me in the habit of unhurried lovemaking; afterwards I felt like I was surrounded by a feeling of calm and total connection to my partner, in contrast to being at arms length as a result of our inability to give an inch to each other.”
Compromising sexually doesn’t have to mean giving up what you like on a routine basis, but being confident and open enough to mix-it-up will definitely bring your sex life to a deeper and more meaningful level. It’s about two bodies learning to communicate and meeting halfway while “going all the way.”
He’s Got too Much Yang, She’s Got too Much Yin
Mars/Venus. He said/she said. Masculine/feminine. North/South. His/Hers. Bottom line? Men and women have different energies and sometimes that polarity can affect a relationship. Not only will it influence how a couple interacts on a daily basis, but it will definitely surface between the sheets. An imbalance of Yin and Yang in a relationship is like well…two people trying to get to the same destination but using completely different maps. The result? You got it, utter confusion.
By loosening the typical gender rules in the bedroom you will create a balance, an inner partnership between the male and female aspects within each of you. In turn, that balance will have a payoff outside of the bedroom. Issues that formerly were mired in rigid male/female responses will soften and more likely yield to resolution.
The Yin/Yang Game of Role Reversal
In keeping with the Taoist definition of the male aspect of our nature being Yang and the female aspect being Yin, the following sex-periential Yin/Yang game will challenge your inhibitions while also allowing you to experience a broader range of sexual pleasures than you have in the past. The game will also provide training in drawing on your recessive side, male or female, that you will then mutually be able to apply to your relationship as a whole.
Step One
Grab your partner, a piece of paper and a pen. To start the game go to a quiet place away from each other and make a list titled, What I’d Want (and How I’d Act) If I Were My Partner. Make a complete list of your wishes as if you were your partner, and how you would approach your wishes. Review your list and set up priorities based on feasibility (i.e. which of these Yin or Yang wishes could you and would you actually want to enact?).
Step Two
Prepare to share. Reconvene with your partner and decide who is to go first. Then read your lists aloud to each other. Some possibilities from the male partner’s list developed from what he would imagine the Yin (female) perspective to be could include things like:
1. I want to lie down in front of the fireplace and have you lick me, beginning with my face and slowly working down to my vagina, with special attention to my clitoris.
2. Seduce me spontaneously and take me gently, but firmly.
3. Make love to me slowly and sensually, kissing me generously throughout.
On the female side of the equation, some possibilities she might imagine from the male (Yang) perspective would include:
1. I want you to slowly strip in front of me, one article of clothing at a time and then straddle me naked before aggressively kissing me, pinning my hands down and riding me with abandon until I can’t do anything but reach release.
2. Pounce on me the minute I walk in the door, aggressively removing my pants as if you cannot wait another minute to have me and then forcefully insert my penis into you for a passionate quickie.
3. Get on your knees in a submissive position and pleasure me orally while allowing me to pull your hair.
Step Three
Try to hit the Yin/Yang mark. Be encouraging when the pleasuring and approach suggested by your partner is something that would be right for you and a sensitive guide when your partner is off base. The idea is to educate each other as to what is a turn-on for your gender as well as think of ideas that you might enjoy in your sex life together.
Step Four
Pick one and do it! If, for example, the male partner is to go first, he will then select one item off the list to enact, approaching and pleasuring his partner from a Yin perspective. If his list has truly been generated from a Yin perspective—based on his partner’s female desires, and how she agreed she would she prefer that those desires be approached—then this should be a very fulfilling sexual encounter for the woman.
The benefits, aside from a very sensual, pleasurable, sexy experience, and an exchange of roles, is that partner’s have to get into each other’s gender mentality to create and execute the items on their lists. In other words, each partner is putting his or her “me” aside to get inside the other’s gender desires. As Yin, the male is putting himself in his partner’s sexual place, and as Yang the female partner is doing the same, putting herself inside the male mentality.
Step Five
Have a Yang bang. Next time you two are headed for a sexual encounter, it is HIS turn to experience something off the Yang list. In other words, switch it up. The female will then be responsible for acting out whatever male experience the couple has decided would best feed their gender synch exploration.
Step Six
Intercourse Discourse. After the experience is complete, and after a period to integrate it (meaning you’ve both had at least one opposite Yin and Yang experience), both partners should agree to a post-coital chat session. Some questions to ask each other:
What did you learn, and how can you apply it to your relationship, both in and outside the bedroom?
What was the most fulfilling part of the experience for you?
How did you feel being the giver and receiver when you were getting and giving gender consistent lovemaking behavior? And how did you feel when you were getting and giving lovemaking behavior that was inconsistent with traditional gender influence?
How can you make this a regular part of your lovemaking in order to find balance in your Yin/Yang on a regular basis?
Learning to share and meet each other halfway on the Yin/Yang continuum will do wonders for promoting equality and understanding in your relationship as a duo. It’s not about striving for androgyny, but it is about creating a male/female balance both within yourself and your partnership.
Staying Busy and Staying in Love: Making it Work
Many people these days are afflicted with what I call TBD (Too Busy Disorder) and I am one of them. In marriages like ours there are discouraging periods where we may believe we are destined to fail. And while many do fail, a significant percentage of couples are able to keep their romance alive. They do so in a manner that’s graceful, flexible, and obviously effective, maintaining high levels of passion and emotional closeness.
From the way they whisper to one another, still hold hands and flirt, it’s clear they care deeply. They’re living testaments that an intimate relationship is not incompatible with a dynamic career. And they remind us of an important lesson: Stress is inevitable; struggling is optional.
Consider the story of Lisa Daniels; she is the CEO of a textile firm that grosses nearly a half billion dollars a year. She would never think of vacationing without her husband, a physician; she spends most nights in his company, and unlike many of her high-powered peers she has managed to avoid the workaholic trap. I very much wanted to extract her secrets.
When I met Ms. Daniels I was not disappointed; not only does she juggle many roles, she seems to relish every moment. I couldn’t help wondering: Donna Reed? Wonder Woman? Stepford wife? Actually, none of the above.
In her mind, it is possible to have it all—well, not all, but almost, and the “almost” is important. Unrealistic expectations, in Ms. Daniel’s view, are where a part of the problem lies. She makes concessions around things that are not important to her or her husband, Michael, and she has her eye on her priorities. Speaking to her and her husband, Michael, it was apparent that they were stars in the dual-income couple challenge.
“Do you have tips for other two-income executive couples?” I asked. Not only was Ms. Daniels happy to discuss this, she brought three other couples to our discussion, all of whom were in dual, high-responsibility careers. Here’s what they had to say:
- Give Your Needs Priority. For example, early in her career, Lisa Daniels would work late with the proviso that her boss conceded to her leaving early on important family occasions. She has also become skilled in negotiating the sharing of household and parenting chores with her husband. Yes, she conceded, she does more, but the (uneven) distribution works for her—as it did in the other couple relationships.
- Guard family time. All of the couples were aware of the need for family time and, consequently, were very selective with unnecessary meetings and tasks. “Michael has a hospital practice and there are lots of events he is asked to attend,” Lisa Daniels said. “I also have a lot of ‘extracurricular’ demands on my time. “We only go to those that are necessary; our family life does not even permit those that are ‘desirable,’ but unnecessary—and we don’t bow to PC in having to both show up to all events.”
- Access Resources. “There was a time I felt I had to do everything myself, the way my mother did,” one of the other women offered. But there are lots of things that neither of us wants to do, nor have the time for—whether a minor repair or making the bed. Either we leave it undone, or have someone else do it. As for our relationship, we also bring in specialists. We go to enhancement workshops twice a year for a tune-up.”
- Become a Change Master. All of these successful couples recognize that changes will occur, whether in their career or family life, and intentionally gain the skills to achieve success in the new direction. For example, one couple stated that when their son was diagnosed with some neurological problems both were trained by the Occupational Therapist so that they could share in administering his treatment.
- Make Family-Promoting Decisions. If work and family are on a collision course, choose family. All of the couples make decisions in favor of their family life (for example, one couple spoke of not taking a lucrative position that required a significant relocation and lack of opportunity for the other, or a position that was tempting but was quite apparently over-the-top-demanding).
There was one other issue I wanted to hear more about from the group. “Are there any particular tips for avoiding the workaholic trap?” I asked them before they departed.
They agreed with my contention that the emotional pain caused by workaholism, a popular term for the compulsive drive to work above all else, must be addressed to avoid irreparable damage. It has been my experience that Workaholics have a compulsive need for the approval and power that come with achievement. Over time, they lose touch with their emotions. Indeed, divorce is a common outcome, according to Workaholics Anonymous, a self-help group with 32 U.S. chapters.
Getting around the workaholic’s ironclad defenses, such as “I’m doing this because I care about you,” is no small task. I found that even in this well functioning group, several of them were recovering workaholics. From their own experience, they suggested that in addition to the tips above, it was crucial to avoid a power struggle with a Workaholic, rather, focus on expressing your unmet needs and negotiate a way to meet them.
One woman noted that her anger sometimes led her to criticize her husband’s work habits. But she found that pushed him away, the opposite of what she wanted. She learned to take a breather when she was upset and when she had calmed down she negotiated for changes. They all favored short-breaks, such as stepping away from the computer for a few minutes, or taking a family walk in the neighborhood. “Even short time-outs help prevent ‘a downward spiral’ of loneliness,” one of the men in the group said.
While these tips are particularly valuable for high-intensity career marriages, especially those that are challenged by two incomes, in one sense, there is no difference between these marriages and any other.
High-intensity marriages go through the same phases all long-term relationships go through only faster: high levels of emotional closeness for about two years; an abrupt drop-off in intimacy, due to increased responsibilities, babies and mortgages, after year five; and finally, a diminishment of tenderness and affection, when we begin to collide with the stresses of our lifestyle.
In this last phase, high-intensity career couples may stay together, but our relationships get stale. We’re often less thoughtful to one another. The little things that were present and frequent in the first two years have dropped out. The ratio of positive to negative statements has become unfavorable.
Relationships, like business ventures, prosper or fail on little things, things that wouldn’t make a good movie, like saying please and thank you, laughing at each other’s jokes, touching, and being there for each other.
Why is it so many Exec relationships become stagnant, while other Exec couples create alliances that are highly caring, loving, and warm? The answer is available to anyone who wants to acknowledge it: Those relationships that are vibrant have more behaviors that were evident in the early years, the years when love was a verb.
Here’s the skinny: The balance between negative and positive appears to be the key dynamic in the emotional foundation of every marriage. There seems to be some kind of thermostat operating in healthy marriages that regulates this balance. For example, when partners get contemptuous, they correct it with lots of healing gestures—not necessarily right away, but sometime soon.
Sex and Relationships: 13 Tips From the Doctor’s Files
1. End Endless Arguments
Are you one of those couples together for years and still arguing? If so, you must believe in an afterlife where you’ll get it right. But for those interested in getting it right in this life, consider: your disagreements are about insisting on agreement. Agreement isn’t part of the deal! Your arguments come down to, “See it my way!” “No, see it my way!” Come on, you’re different people and you view the world differently. That’s the way it’s supposed to be—agreement is optional, not mandatory! Ah, but understanding each other, that’s essential.
2. Orgasm and the 11 minute problem
Are you orgasmically in sync with your partner? If so, you’re one of the lucky ones. Two thirds of us are in the average range when it comes to orgasm. And the average for men and women differ. For men, on average, intercourse is over in 3 minutes of active thrusting; for women, on average, it takes 14 minutes for the earth to shutter. Do the math, there’s an 11-minute problem! That’s one of the reasons some women aren’t eager to drop their pants—their guy is telling them something like, “Honey, go upstairs and get started, give a yell in 11 minutes…”
3. What about guys who leave the party before it starts?
Women often view men who come too fast as selfish, only concerned about their own pleasure. Not so. Men want to be good lovers. In fact, being thought of as a good lover makes the short list of most men’s wish list. Coming too fast, the most common issue that men complain of, is made worse by the need to please. Guys get nervous about their performance, because they want nothing more than to please, and that makes it worse. It’s like giving a speech when you’re nervous. You end up talking too fast. When you’re nervous everything speeds up. If you can teach yourself to relax, things will go better. And, of course, men and women are wise not to consider poor ejaculatory control pathological—it’s usually wired that way.
4. What about guys who still haven’t arrived and the party is over?
Some guys take too long to come. They may have a naturally higher orgasmic threshold. Not necessarily because they are uptight, or not into their partner, but because that’s how they’re wired. They probably use a steel grip when they masturbate and they have become used to that. They need to ease up. Vaginas won’t grip them the way they’re used to; they need to loosen their grip when they masturbate so the stroking feels more the way intercourse feels. Secondly, guys need to focus on something sexy when they’re having intercourse—a focus like, “Am I going to come?” will delay things.
5. Having a sexual problem?
It’s either physical or psychological, and knowing, which is which is essential. If you’re a guy with an erection problem and you’re getting erections under any circumstance, it’s probably psychological. If it’s psychological it’s about what’s in your head. What’s probably happening is that you are obsessing about performance instead of showing yourself a private sexy film in your head—you know, fantasy. If you can stay with sexy imagery the sex will go better. If you’re a woman and your hormones are working, and you’re not in pain, the problem is in your head, or maybe you’re just not into your guy.
6. Having an Affair?
Affairs can be casual or very serious. Committed relationships, like marriage, can also be casual or very close. That’s right, some marriages are not particularly close, and others are intense. When someone in a close marriage steps out and has an intense affair, the marriage and the affair are on a definite collision course. The problem is that we become closer to the person we share a secret with, and more distant from the person you keep a secret from. In other words, don’t kid yourself into thinking that your affair isn’t creating a problem. What about a low-involvement marriage and a casual affair? That’s a different issue. But why take a chance with an affair that isn’t heart stopping?
7. Falling for someone who needs some fixing?
Some people think that the way to make a relationship better is to try to fix or change the other person. Women are into this big-time. They find a guy who either needs rescuing, or some significant fixing. It’s kind of like falling for a fixer-up house with great potential. Only it doesn’t work the same way. Being handy works great with a house, but not with fixing people. I’ve never seen that work—because it never does. What happens is that the woman builds her hopes on him changing and he secretly hopes she doesn’t change. Both end up wrong—and divorced.
8. You loved it, what changed?
Very often the initial attraction—what draws you to your lover—becomes, some years later, the basis for divorce. Remember that guy that you chose because he appeared to be the pillar of strength that was going to bring stability to your life? You married him and after a few years his stability bored you to tears. In your next marriage you overcorrected and married a lunatic. Crazy, but exciting. That one didn’t last either. The third marriage was the charm, he was not the strong, silent type, but not freaky either, somewhere between the two.
9. How weird is this?
The behaviors that help us survive in our family of origin—turn out to be exactly what interferes with our adult love relationships. For example, your parents used to fight and maybe even brawled. Your survival tactic was to stay out of the way, to be seen, not heard, or else the wrath might turn in your direction. Now, as an adult, you’re confrontation avoidant to the point of having the lumpiest rug in the neighborhood. You don’t deal with anything and your love-partner has one foot out the door due to all those issues you avoid.
10. Is it same old, same old?
Get this: Lovers only have one fight throughout their relationship. Sure, they may have many fights, but it’s all centered on one theme, even though it appears to be about all kinds of different issues. The good news is that if you figure out what it’s really about, you’ll solve not one, but a ton of disagreements. Hint—the underlying theme is an unresolved emotional issue from your childhood home. Your past is not past, and it’s not done with you.
11. Not you? Wait!
As much as we may try to avoid it, some issue from our family-of-origin comes back to haunt us in our love relationships. This is such a strong pull to the familiar that you’ll find a way to do it: You’ll pick, project, or provoke some major issue, despite yourself. Picking is occurring when you have an almost uncanny sense of familiarity with someone you’re drawn to—the familiarity is because the person has some characteristics of your parents. I know, you want to argue that. Don’t, you’ll lose. Projecting is when you shout at your partner (or whisper to yourself), “You’re just like my father…” even though your partner just did one thing in his life similar to your father. Provoking is when you “make” the person into your parent. For example, you act totally irresponsibly and then get nagged by your partner, just like your parent did. Oh, you think it’s a coincidence? Wrong.
12. Are you missing the point?
There are very few issues between lovers that are truly worthy of confrontation, and those are usually avoided. A vibrant relationship requires sharing your inner life with each other. It is a heart-to-heart affair. Unfortunately, instead of fighting for this intimacy, when you disclose yourself and get shot down, too often you withdraw. Yet you fight ferociously about nonsense. When intimacy issues come up, take a stand; your love life depends on it. Withdrawal is the kiss of death in a love partnership.
13. Are you Cheating? Lets Count the Ways
Sexual infidelity is the headline grabber, but there are everyday breaches of trust that no one talks about. These betrayals can slowly undermine a relationship. They are like psychological termites that take small bites, but eventually the foundation cracks. What are these everyday breaches that slide under the radar? A small lie about a purchase, a slight exaggeration about a job promotion, a cover-up about a forgotten birthday. And what about the love partner who smokes. One day the smoker is going to get sick and the non-smoker is going to suffer as well. And the partner who is critical, rather than supportive, or the one slacking in his or her career, or the one who doesn’t follow sound medical advice? In my view they are all cheating their partner.
Getting in Sexual Sync With Your Partner
When a couple is out of sync, one partner wants a more intimate relationship, while the other wants more time for self. When men and women are young, she is typically the partner who wants more intimacy. Kissing, caressing, embracing, and cuddling may be more satisfying to her than intercourse.
At midlife, as she develops a need for self-fulfillment that makes intimacy less important to her, she also has increased sexual self-confidence and finds greater satisfaction in intercourse. Orgasm, more easily achieved, may take on a new significance in her erotic life.
And now, inspired by his changing physiology, he wants more tenderness in their lovemaking, more shared confidences in their afterplay. Intimacy has become more meaningful and important to him. Early in the relationship, she may have complained he doesn’t have enough “we” and too much “I.” Now she is reveling in her “I” time, while he is craving more “we.”
This sexual role-swapping is common, if perplexing, to the couple who finds themselves suddenly in opposite emotional positions. A recent study found 61 percent of women under 35 named “love” their primary reason for having sex. Only 38 percent of women aged 36 to 57 said that. For men, the results were reversed. Only 31 percent of the younger men cited “love” as the primary reason for making love, but more than half the older men did. Another study found that women over 40 placed a higher priority on erotic pleasures such as swimming in the nude and watching X-rated videos than other women or men in all age groups.
There are, of course, other contributing reasons for a couple being out of sync. They may be in different developmental phases, with one, for example, thriving in the workplace while the other is floundering. One may have a better relationship with teen or adult children than the other does. Or one may be in the emotional throes of dealing with ill or disabled parents, whereas the other’s parents are in good health. In some couples, one has significant aging issues while the other seems to move easily into a new life stage.
What’s common to all these situations? One partner needs more comfort and safety from the marriage, and the other, in a personal cycle of growth and stability, needs less.
In every long-term relationship, the partners will almost surely experience some out-of-sync time. Balancing one partner’s greater need for intimacy against the other’s desire for self-fulfillment is an ongoing process. Here are some hints for doing that:
Accept Being Out-of-Sync
1. Don’t expect the relationship to meet all your needs. Sometimes everyone has to provide his or her own comfort and solace in the face of disappointment, sadness, or frustration. People find that comfort in many different ways, including long walks with the family dog, hobbies, and sports. Some people turn to religion. Friends and relatives can also provide support. An intimate partner is more than a source of succor and not the only person whose companionship can make your burdens seem lighter.
2. Acknowledge your own (or your partner’s) inner strength. Most people are not as fragile as they think they are during emotionally needy times. Recall how you have handled difficult situations or crises in the past. You are strong and resilient. (Or, your partner is strong and resilient; stop worrying so much about his or her temporary need for attention.)
3. Realize that being out of sync with your partner is normal, not a problem. Couples who expect to be soul mates and on the same wavelength for life have unrealistic expectations. Long-term intimate partners may connect intensely or feel like two very familiar ships passing in the night. Both synchrony and time spent out of sync are necessary for healthy interaction.
4. Use the out-of-sync time for personal growth. This is a positive, useful time for both partners, not a traumatic event. Out-of-sync periods encourage couples to expand their individual coping skills and increase their ability to comfort themselves and develop personal hobbies and interests. Sometimes friendships and other family relationships are strengthened.
How to Reconnect in Bed
For some couples the most challenging aspect of being out-of-sync is dealing with their sexuality. Consider Jeff and Diane. “Jeff made a lot of money in a high-profile, high-pressure corporate job, so much money that he could afford to retire on his fiftieth birthday without us having to give up any of our lifestyle,” says Diane, an artist who has a studio at home. “I was a little concerned about his retiring, because I was so used to his being gone, working twelve-hour days, traveling for days, even weeks at a time. We had separate lives, and suddenly we were going to put them together. I was afraid he’d get bored playing golf and would drive me nuts looking for attention. Surprisingly, he was fine. He became involved in volunteer projects, began doing a little consulting work, and by the time he’d been ‘retired’ six months was so busy and happy in his new life, I felt left behind.
“He was more interested in lovemaking than he’d been since we were first married. I was always pushing him off, telling him I was too busy with my work or too tired. One afternoon he came out to my studio with a picnic basket, including a bottle of chilled champagne and two glasses. I started crying and couldn’t stop. He insisted I make an appointment with my doctor.”
After her internist could find no physical reason for Diane’s mild depression and lack of libido, she recommended counseling. In therapy, Diane quickly came to terms with her problem: She felt old because her husband was retired. And old people didn’t have sex.
“My mother was sixty-five and my father was sixty-nine when he retired,” she says. “When Jeff retired, I was suddenly catapulted into old age. I hadn’t realized how many negative attitudes I had about aging until then. It took me a while to be comfortable with Jeff’s increased sex drive and my own suppressed sexual feelings, but now I am. We celebrated the first anniversary of his retirement by taking a romantic cruise. This may sound like a cliché, but we had the best sex of our lives.”
Three Steps for Getting in Sexual Sync
1. Become More Verbally Intimate. If you want more affection, a certain type of caress, more oral sex, more frequent lovemaking—ask. Many people find it difficult to ask for what they want sexually because they believe their longtime partners should know. They don’t always. Would you like to add a degree of wildness to your lovemaking? Talk about your fantasies and secret wishes. The more verbal you can be about your erotic desires, the more likely you are of realizing them.
2. Learn How to Say No. It is possible to say no to sex or a certain sex act without rejecting your partner of feeling guilty. Hearing an unqualified and unexplained negative response can feel like being hit with a weapon. The recipient is wounded; the refuser is guilt ridden or angry at being “made” to feel guilty. Explain your refusal even if you aren’t quite sure of the reasons yourself. “I don’t know why I’m not in the mood for lovemaking, but I’m not,” is preferable to simply saying no.
Some people say no in nonverbal ways, like his repeatedly being unable to get an erection or her being unable to reach orgasm in encounter after encounter. These are hurtful and damaging ways of denying a partner.
3. Respond to a Partner’s Emotional Needs. Take care of the often unexpressed feelings; and the sex will follow. The best way to a man’s (or woman’s) heart may not necessarily be the stomach, but the best way to his or her genitals certainly may be the heart. You probably can’t use reason to bring an out-of-sync (and sexually detached) partner around to a more positive way of thinking, but you can help him or her feel the way back to erotic life. What are your partner’s emotional needs? And what can you do to help meet them?
Interview With an Aging Penis
JB: (Joel Block) So, what’s up?
AP (Aging Penis): Is that your attempt at humor? Not funny! The future has me worried. Kinda like the housing market. The forecast is soft.
JB: Sorry. I should have known that it’s hard, uh, difficult looking into an uncertain future. But, you’ve compared your concern to the housing market. Are you prepared for…well, for a down market? A stash of Cialis?
AP: You mean a pharmaceutical splint? Not for me.
JB: Really? You’re not going along with the crowd…?
AP: Wanna get personal here? I’m still tempted to stay with the Stand Tall approach. But, why not let my team—fingers, tongue, eyes, and words—do some of the work? I’m not into heavy lifting anymore. That’s for kids who don’t know any better!
JB: But what about vaginas who expect you to show up and be, you know, your old frisky self?
AP: That’s the first smart question you’ve asked! It’s not just about adjusting my expectations; it’s about hers as well. Too many vaginas are using my response to them as a report card of their attractiveness. Bulletin: It’s not about you! I’m trying to move away from the “proving myself” attitude and into the “enjoying myself” attitude. Can’t do both, so lighten up!
JB: Interesting, but what about intercourse, don’t you have to be…don’t you need a certain firmness? If not in your attitude, at least in your, how do I say this…in your posture?
AP: Intercourse is over-rated! Touching, licking, laughing and sucking aren’t bad at all—add a glass or two of red wine and it’s a party! This isn’t to say that old-time fucking is passé, far from it. But why consider anything less a failure? And, while we’re talking candidly, something vaginas need to know—if I’m a little shy and I don’t come (fully) out to play, please, please, don’t give me an Oprah moment. The timing sucks! Just get over it, don’t take it personal, and let the other guys (my tongue, fingers, the whole team) do their thing.
JB: Good point, but some penises are so into answering the call that they start obsessing when they, pardon the expression, fall short. I’ve heard more than one vagina express this sentiment: “It’s not so much the flaccid appearance; it’s his preoccupation with it! It’s like being in a conversation with someone who is no longer listening—but only worse, it’s lonely being skin-to-skin with a penis completely into himself.”
AP: Okay, so there are mature penises, and penises that have aged, but not matured. No new news there.
JB: Any final words of wisdom?
AP: Sure, I have lots of wisdom to share. Here’s a sampling: On a basic level, I operate as a result of friction and fiction—physical and mental stimulation. As I get older I find I need more of both. Yeah, a little erotica now and then helps. And, I’ve become sensitive. If faced with pressure and pleasure, I will likely fall to the pressure. So, when it comes to friction and fiction, more is more, but when it comes to demands, less is more—I do better when I’m not made to feel that making love is a report card, for me or for the vagina in question. And, I confess—we don’t need to do some sex seminar on this—sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I would never have admitted that when I was younger. Now, gotta take a leak…I think.
QUESTIONS FOR DR. BLOCK
Q: My boyfriend can’t seem to keep an erection. Is there anything I can do to help? He’s almost 60, but he’s in good health, his doctor told him it’s not a medical problem.
A: There are 4 things you can do:
1) If he loses his erection during intercourse, let it go. Don’t immediately try to make him hard again unless he asks you for manual or oral stimulation. Try pressing your pelvis tightly against him if he hasn’t fallen out, but don’t work to keep him inside.
2) Suggest something specific he can do for you that doesn’t involve his penis. Ask him to stroke your clitoris, fondle your breasts, go down on you. Your arousal will do more to restore his erection than “working” on his penis will do.
3) Don’t stop and ask, “What’s wrong?” He already feels bad. This isn’t the time for that kind of discussion.
4) Don’t blame yourself. Many women ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I not turning him on?” They feel self-conscious and sexually inhibited, reinforcing his discomfort.
Q: I have recently split up with my husband on friendly terms. We just don’t get along and fight constantly when living together; 3 boys, one is autistic, and lots of other problems. We have filed for divorce and I have my own apartment. Is it weird for us to still have sex together? We’ve always enjoyed that with each other and since I turned 50 I can’t seem to get enough! He was reluctant at first, but he couldn’t resist. It is better than it has been for a long time, since we were teenagers! I do love him (not sure if I am IN love with him though) and I think he cares for me but is not in love anymore. Is this too weird that I am still hot for the ex…?
A: If you’re weird, there are a lot weird people out there. I have heard this many times before. As you are finding out, some people do better as “apartners,” (living apart) than they do together.
Here’s a concern—you and your ex (to be) have three boys, one of whom has special needs. Divorce is hard on kids—I should know, my mother was divorcing (plural, as in more than once) way before it was popular in my Brooklyn neighborhood. You also need to be sensitive with boys, since they often act on their feelings, rather than talk them out. They’ll say that they are fine, but they are not. Does their school have a group for kids whose parents are divorcing or who are divorced? If so, get your kids in, if not, suggest that the school start something like that.
Another point—have you and your children’s father tried a really competent couple therapist? Not being able to resolve differences is the biggest factor in all divorces—and it can be fixed! You guys sound like you have at least 4 reasons to work things out: 3 kids and great sex.
If you and he decide to continue as “apartners” and not work on reconciliation, be careful. It’s not just sex; there are feelings involved. One day one of you is going to meet someone else. Then passion may turn into rage.
Q: How do you tell your man of 7 years that he is getting a little lazy in the bedroom? We are both 53 years old and in second marriages. I want this one to last!
A: You can tell him directly, straight out. That’s one way; here are half a dozen ways that will stir things up and are a lot more fun: 1. Play a game of strip monopoly. 2. Make love blindfolded. 3. Talk about your fantasies. But… do it without asking, “Did you ever really try that with someone?” or “Do you fantasize doing that with someone else, not me?” It’s safer that way. 4. Schedule a date for making love some place that is a bit risky—like in your office (or his) after hours. 5. At the next occasion (it can be minor, don’t wait for your birthday), ask him to surprise you sexually. 6. Offer to be his sexual slave (within reason) and request that the offer be reciprocal—one day (or night) each.
Q: I was widowed 3 years ago and have just started dating again. I’m nervous when it comes to sexual intercourse. I’m worried that my performance won’t be enough to satisfy my male partner, what do I do?
A: To begin, it would help if you only had sex with someone you care about and who cares about you. In other words, don’t sleep with jerks, and give friendship a chance before sleeping with anyone. Another thought: if you are one of those people not able to let go enough to allow sexual things to happen, try mutual massage to help you relax. Combining massage with sex play may help you ease into the experience and quiet that chattering voice in your head.
One woman I spoke with who had the same issue as you said that found that her performance concerns were all over the place. She worried about the report card people were giving her at work, socially and at night school. She realized that it was her own report card that was most demanding. “Talk about being hard on yourself,” she said. “I was the worst.”
Funny, when she went easier on herself, other people’s report cards became less important. Think about it.
Q: I am in my early fifties and I divorced about eight years ago. I thought I finally found a new life partner. My fiancé and I called it quits after being together for two years. The reason was that she cheated on me. After the fact she came back to me and told me the other guy wasn’t any good in bed, and I was much better. She wanted to have sex with me, but just as friends. So I slept with her. About a month later she wanted me to take her back. So I did. But the trust I have with her is on thin ice. Can I trust her not to cheat on me again? Was it wrong to take her back? I never stopped loving her.
A: Trust may begin as a leap of faith, but ultimately it is not a gift; it is based on what happens. Your lady’s actions suggest you have a lot of talking to do.
Here are some talking points:
Was her affair part of a larger pattern of deception in the relationship?
How does she explain what happened? Is she taking full responsibility for stepping out, avoiding that long list of lame excuses?
How and why did her affair happen—did she end it, did he move on, was this a fling, or did she have serious questions about your relationship?
What’s the plan for repairing the relationship and addressing the outstanding issues?
I believe a relationship can be saved after an affair because I’ve helped countless couples do it. But keep this in mind—I’ve never seen a relationship survive when the issues were avoided, or when they are held over the affair-involved person forever.