Men like fellatio, but I’ll bet you’ve never seen fruit bats go at it.
I just did. A video showing female short-nosed fruit bats performing in flagrante delicto. They were filmed at an entomological institute in Guangzhou, China, but I’m not sure why, unless the researchers were studying body-torquing new positions.
The bats mate dorso-ventrally, which means the male mounts the female from behind. During mating, the female turns to lick the base of the male’s shlong. Its tip is already inside her vagina and he does not withdraw when she begins her voracious licking.
Which begs the question: Just how big is a fruit fly penis? (And how flexible would I have to be to imitate this behavior?) What’s more: Does size really matter?
According to softpedia.com, (1) the largest penis technically belongs to our friend the blue whale (about 8 feet – talk about a killer whale!). The longest relative penis in vertebrates belongs to a duck, an Argentine blue-bill who measured 17 inches (the average length in this species is an eye-popping 8 inches).
However, African bull elephants hold the title of the largest penis relative to body size in the animal kingdom — up to six and a half feet long. (2) Talk about the proverbial 500-pound elephant in the room! Our “hung-like-a” stallions can measure a foot and a half.
But the banana slug is my hero: Banana slug penises have evolved to measure almost as long as their bodies. Considering that the average banana slug is 6 to 8 inches long, this wanger is impressive even by human standards. Whereas flaunting a nice endowment before mating may be a plus when courting that sexy female, there are logistical issues I hope never translate into sex at midlife.
Slugs are hermaphrodites, so each partner’s penis must fit into the other’s genital opening. This makes choosing a mate of equal size a plus. Guys and dolls need to check out each other’s equipment before getting down to — well, I guess you can’t call slug sex a “quickie.” Slugs evert their penises and exchange sperm through the tips — all within a glob of mucus. The precopulatory rituals take hours, as you might expect, with the actual exchange of sperm happening fairly quickly. However, if either slug miscalculates, it may get its member stuck during actual fucking and be unable to pull out afterward. If this happens, the unstuck partner bites off the stuck one’s manhood, scientifically known as “apophallation.”
But the real point of this story is that I wanted to share a little-known fact: In the past 60 years, there has been an unrecorded evolution in the size of the human penis along with an increase in the male life span.
Today men in their 20s average 9 inches, whereas men 50+ are only 7 inches. How do I know this?
Because most every younger man who has sent me a picture of his cock (unrequested, usually) tells me he’s 9 inches. It’s an informal survey at best, I do admit.
I just thought ya’ll should know.