Got a question, vexing or otherwise? Send it to AskLibby@LibidoForLife.com
Dear Libby,
After years of a slowly diminishing love life, about six months ago my husband started becoming noticeably more amorous. I was thrilled. We have a couple of good romps a week and we’re both the better for it in every way. But I recently discovered that he has a stash of pharmaceutical helpers — Viagra, yohimbine, some other things I can’t remember. Now I’m feeling uncertain — if he needs these assists, do I no longer turn him on? How should I feel about this?
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Dear Libby,
I’m on the verge of my third marriage to a wonderful man, who seems to be everything I ever hoped for in a life-mate. There is one niggling issue, however. I’m a writer, and among other things I wrote an advice book some years ago that included personal anecdotes about my own sexual experiences, which were, shall I say, considerable. My new amour seemed enthralled by all this in the early stages of our relationship, but as our wedding date nears, he has become occasionally distant and sullen. On prodding, he admits that having my past be, literally, an open book, has been bothering him. I don’t get it — when we were “dating” it made me cool, but as a marriage partner I’m suddenly an embarrassment? What? How do we get past this?
Deanna in Dallas
Dear Deanna
Sorry your happiness is being smudged, and here’s hoping I can help you recover your rosy glow. Possibly your beloved is experiencing natural pre-nup angst and somehow your book is an easy hook to hang it on–easier to blame you for being imperfect, in other words, than to confess his own (quite forgivable, but he may not believe it) emotional fallibility.
Maybe, though, it’s just what he says, really about the book. So how do we parse the rumbles of discontent? He’s afraid you’ll write about him in the next book . . . or that you won’t? Some pal of his stumbled across your book and twitted him about your prolix sex life?
Whatever the particulars, the important point is that then was then, and now is now. Let’s say you wrote your book in the 70s, when amazingly many of us (Libs included) thought it a good idea to tell all. Yikes, how we blabbed! You may share core values with your younger self, but the world has turned, and you’ve evolved and grown up; and so has your beloved, or unlikely that he’d seem the perfect life-mate to you. So maybe the thing to do is get him to revisit his younger self, the contemporary of the you who wrote the advice book, and see how far he’s come since then–the trick being to do so without getting either defensive or accusatory.
I’m not saying that you (or he or any of us) should disown our starter selves. Giving advice is a risky business–I take it very seriously myself–and you should feel proud that you were willing to put yourself on the line to help strangers find happiness. I hope to think that your intended doesn’t just recover his admiration for your coolness but is proud of who you were and clearly still are.
Love, Libby
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Dear Libby -
I am fiftyish and my husband of nearly thirty years will see his sixtieth birthday this year. We have much to be thankful for and will be celebrating our happy marriage as well as his birthday milestone. We’ve been blessed with a loving sex life all these years, but recently things have been changing. For a variety (the details aren’t important) of medical reasons, we’ve not had sex in over a year and with his abilities flagging, my own curve has been moving the other direction. We still have all the loving, the cuddling, the caring. But I miss the sex, the sheer physical-ness of it. I’ve not made an issue of it at all but lately he keeps bringing up the idea that I should take a lover. He keeps assuring me that he would have so problems about jealousy, but wants to know that all my needs and desires are being attended to. I’ve been brushing off the idea but I do believe him when he says it wouldn’t bother him. And I actually know someone who might be a very desirable and accommodating match. Is there any really good reason I shouldn’t do this? Am I overlooking anything obvious?
(Signed)
Laura in St. Paul
Dear Laura
Here’s to your milestones and to the smart, loving spirit you and your husband very evidently share.
Your question ought to be easy to answer, but I could write a book. Actually, I did–and here’s what I know: as to sex, it’s seldom simple. That’s the obvious–but subtle–thing you may be overlooking: the good reason to think hard before you make a move.
If you were longtime tennis players and he had to retire from the game, he’d doubtless help you find a new doubles partner and cheer you on from the bench. If you had to go easy on sugar, you’d still make sure he had the birthday cake of his dreams. We may theorize that it ought to be the same with sex, but there’s sometimes a disconnect between the fantasy and the reality.
In the 70s, I knew many people in the Sandstone community,which was dedicated to sexual sharing as the wellspring of goodness; I knew open-marriage advocates and plain old swingers, who shared their mates and partners with loving grace and seemed only nourished by the experienced. I also knew many people who spun fabulous fantasies of threesomes, group sex, don’t-ask-don’t-tell, and other arrangements but who were unexpectedly stricken if the fantasies turned into reality.
You and your husband know yourselves and each other: That’s clear. I don’t mean to suggest otherwise. Given that you’ve seemingly conducted your marriage on the monogamous model, I propose that you consider and answer some questions before you step out.
What’s the comfort level–for both of you–as to shared information? Like the typical polyamorous young couples of the day, would you rather know about other sexual partners…meet other sexual partners…perhaps confide details or even share the experience? John Fowles wrote in The French Lieutenant’s Woman that the real infidelity is the lie to cover the infidelity. But, as my father liked to say, the blunt truth can be a blunt weapon. What would work for the two of you–the three of you?
I’ve argued with many a male psychiatrist who insisted that women necessarily–biologically–bonded emotionally with all their sexual partners whereas men could walk away. I don’t agree, based on my own nature and some very unscientific sampling, yet I have to concede that it seems to be true more often than it isn’t.
I wish I could give you a simple answer. I know you only through your words, but I feel a connection, if you’ll allow me. As I said, I think sexual sharing can be a beautiful thing. But there are no guarantees, alas…any more than than there are in a monogamous marriage.
Please, let me know how things go. And if I come up with a fail-safe algorithm for adding partners to a marriage, you’ll be the first to know.
All the best, Libby
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Dear Libby,
My partner, who’s 20 years older than I am, is a true sweetheart and quite the lover, but he is dependent on Viagra and I miss spontaneity. Any advice? Thanks!
Sukie M., St. Paul, MN
Dear Sukie,
Great question. So many of us equate spontaneity with having a free spirit, a larky soul. For folks who came of sexual age in the 1960s, it’s almost a moral imperative! But it’s definitely not the only way.
Tantric yoga, for beautiful instance, replaces spontaneity with ceremonial purposefulness. Some Viagra couples develop code language. “Let’s ski the blue diamond trail,” for instance.
One woman I know found a diamond-shape candy dish that she uses to offer her husband a Viagra when she’s in the mood.
While you wait for it to reach the bloodstream and do its good work, you might take a bubble bath together while listening to Sophie Tucker sing, “If He’s Over Forty, Don’t Make Him Wait too Long.”
Sounds like you have a good thing going. Keep it up!
xo, Libby
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Hey, Libby, cool Website!. So here’s my question. As a 74-year-old male, I have the predictable ED problems. I’ve found my ideal drug, Cialis, and my doctor also prescribes Androgel. Which do the trick, thank you. But I cannot wear a condom. Just can’t. It undoes the good work of the meds and my erection melts like an ice pop in the sun. I have been a cautious serial monogamist and have never had an STD, but a lady I’m really interested in insists: No cover, no lover. Can you help me persuade her it’s OK to skip the Latex?
Cheers, Vic O., New York City.
Dear Vic
And would you like me to persuade her it’s OK to drive without a seatbelt?
Look—we understand over here. We too grew up in an age when both seatbelts and “rubbers” felt like killjoys. So much easier for our children, who regard both forms of protection as axiomatic.
Your lady sounds like a smart cookie. While we all would like to think that STDs happen to other people, it takes only one break in the chain of serial monogamy to put a great many people at risk for chronic or potentially fatal diseases such as HIV and HVP. Consider the big picture. It’s not the good old days, and aren’t you lucky it isn’t? You’re a perfect example of the benefits of modern medical research and changes in societal norms. Not to mention marketing.
When’s the last time you checked out the array of condoms for sale? Since the late 90s, the various manufacturers have been trying to one-up each other in producing pleasure-enhancing condoms. Extra thin, roomier tips, and super-lubricated are just a few of the features meant to entice reluctant users.
Shopping for condoms with your sweetie can be a turn-on in itself, whether you go to a pleasure shop or look on-line for what’s available. And putting them on you can become a part of your lovemaking ritual.
Real is the new romantic. Some couples go for HIV blood tests together and put the results in a keepsake box. It’s also fair for you to ask your new true love to show you the results of her Pap test, indicating (we hope) the absence of irregular cells suggesting HPV. You’re not only protecting the two of you, you’re looking after future sex partners. Don’t you wish everyone were that nice?
In case you’re wondering, the reason for condoms even if all tests are negative is that HIV antibodies may not show up for six months. If after six months, you and the lady are still together and monogamous, she may be willing to revisit the condom question. Here’s hoping you get to that day and play fair and square with each happily ever after.
xo, Libby
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Dear Libby,
My twin sister and I (age 42) have been arguing about Thanksgiving because of our Uncle Louis, known in the family as Louis the Feeler. My sister feels sorry for the geezer (he’s about 90 now and a widower for 30 years) and she just has a stiff drink before kissing him hello and getting the inevitable feel-up or bra-strap snap. My husband says I should go to joke store and buy one of those electric-shock gizmos and wear it in my bra so the sparks really fly 
when Louis puts his hands where he shouldn’t. Don’t worry–my sister and I are both the mothers of sons and the youngest women in the family.
Thanks! Alice (and Arleen)
Alice! I’m dying with laughter! The one in my family was a Louis, too! And my mother gave me the perfect solution.
When it came time to greet my dear great uncle with the wandering hands, I would conspicuously cough into a handkerchief, shake my head in misery, then blow him a kiss off my fingertips and trill gallant words about not wanting to infect him with my dreadful cold. If he wondered why I was always sick at the holidays–and my cousin Veronica, too, when I shared my ploy, he didn’t mention it.
I admit, I’m a born actress, I loved the prank. If that’s not your style, you might take advantage of the looming flu epidemic and forego the pleasure of kissing all your relatives. I imagine that will be happening all around the country, even where there’s no Louis.
Happy hols. xo, Libby
Dear Libby,
As a lawyer I know the importance of words. I need your help in finding the right word to describe my male companion. We are both in our late sixties and both lost beloved mates to illness. He’s a former hippie (now a professor) and thinks it amusing to call me his “old lady,” but I am proud of my youthful appearance and don’t enjoy the joke. ”Significant other” is bureaucracy-speak; “boyfriend” is ludicrous; “lover” is embarrassing; “companion” makes him sound like a seeing-eye dog. Thank you!
JVMcL, Chicago.
Dear JVMcL, Esq.
I must have been mulling your letter last night, because I found myself searching for just the right word to introduce Himself as we worked a roomful of people I knew and he didn’t. I variously tried “consort,” “beau,” “my Scrabble partner,” “my dear one,” and his name, without explainer. Each was okay in the moment, but none felt so right I would always want to use it. I’m beginning to suspect this is why a lot of people marry. “My husband,” “my wife,” over and done with.
My best advice is to make your choice fit the situation rather than trying to find an all-purpose describer. And I throw the question open to all readers.
Speaking of words—I think you’re too beautifully young to call yourself “youthful”!
xo, Libby
Hmm, I’m not so quick to accept the vasodilator solution, Viagra and the big Pharma gang. I think men are too eager to grab the pill, aided by Big Pharma’s claim, which I don’t buy, that ED is so often organic.
Yes, erection, like everything else is age impacted, but for most men even one failure results in the “Uh oh” obsession next time out, and that is often the culprit going forward.
Erections require friction and fiction. The friction is easily brought in (although more is usually needed than in a younger man) but after the failure worry is substituted for fiction. That won’t do it. Showing a very sexy movie in your head (without the “Uh oh” scene) is what is needed.
Even if the pill is used, why not cut back gradually until confidence is restored? In the process fresh nutrients are carried to the penile tissue so that it is kept healthy.
In addition, losing a little of that belly and doing some modest exercise (walking will do) will, after some time, help the cause. Want the full scoop? This rush to the pill has annoyed me to the point where I put the solution in an e-book (yes, sell it—but it is way cheaper and better than a lifetime of pills!).
After 20 years supervising a major hospital-based Sexuality Center, I’ve had enough men get off the pill to know it works! Check out Staying Hard: Breakthrough Strategies for Reliable Erections at: http://www.DrBlock.com
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