When we are  in love, when we want someone to love us, we want to be an outstanding lover.  It is a good ambition—but do not be misled by the idea that being a good lover is a matter of great beauty, or great technique  or even great oratory.  No, there are five elementary aspects of being a great lover—and none of them are as simple as something you can buy, a technique you can perfect or a speech you can give.  Here are the real keys to being a master lover:

First, Opening up your soul to your one and only.   A great lover lets the other person in. In special and unique ways. Early on , this permission to enter is granted through the eyes.  The eyes are the path to the soul. They show need, sadness, compassion, pleasure, desire, intelligence,  humor and grief.  Nuances we cannot  imagine are revealed in our eyes—if we allow them to look into someone else’s eyes without impediment, without hiding. Holding eyes and letting the information and feelings within them pour out and grace our partner’s heart is the first and most important element of being a great lover.

Second-  Being intensely present and feeling everything there is to feel. We accept the touch of our partner’s hand, the nearness of their body, the timber of their voice.  A great lover is aware of the physicality of the one they love, and accepts their body and face as gifts and lets their partner know how happy their presence makes them.  The smallest skin contact is celebrated. A cuddle is a  major comfort. The connection is electric sometimes, comfortable other times, but never absent or rejecting.

Third- The great lover listens.  They can tell their partner’s mood from body language, tone, content, a single word, the way a story is told.   They store information from what they hear and bring it back for conversation at the appropriate time. They are a student of the one they love and they study their subject with the same intensity and pride of scholarship that a doctor, preacher, golf pro, or artist has in his or her craft.

Fourth-  The great lover holds nothing back.  Passion is not only permissible, it is elemental.  In the best of times there is the sense that two forces of nature have united to explode into each other, matched in depth of feeling and pleasure.  There is a sense of no limits , and that feeling is welcomed, not feared.  The great lover gives everything, accepts everything, explores everything and enables their partner to do the same.

Fifth- The great lover is safe.  There is acceptance and that acceptance is enabled by well earned trust.  All things are possible because there is trust at the deepest level. One feels so well loved that few boundaries need to exist.  The safety of the partners is built on a foundation of respect and mutual commitment to upholding those elements of the soul, of the body, and of the journey together that first enabled love to grow.

Great lovers are not born, they are made. They are made through personal growth,  through commitment to the right relationship, and because of a deep desire to experience love at the most profound level.  What higher praise or accomplishment in life could we experience than to have the person we love hear this description of a great lover—and say our name and think of us….